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I have driven many vehicles in my time, but none made after 1988. Why is this? I enjoy being able to work on my own vehicle without 8 years of mechanical training and a few thousand dollars worth of specialty diagnostic hardware. This is only a small example among numerous excellent reasons why I drive what I drive.

1) Stealth Mode
Yes, my car can enter “Stealth Mode” which disables all internal lighting including the instrument cluster. The most interesting part of “Stealth Mode” though is that it is activated not by a switch, but by driving over bumps in the road. Simply repeat to disable “Stealth Mode.”

2) Mono-Stereo Swap
A great addition to any car audio system is the ability to convert the audio channels from stereo into mono. The activation of this is much similar to “Stealth Mode” but is also triggered by sharp turns and braking.

3) Trunk Protection
You can buy The Club. You can buy a Compustar alarm. You can buy OnStar. None of these can compete with the security system in place protecting my trunk. Basically, the rear hatch is about 80lbs. The hydraulic lifters are broken. This means that stealing items from my trunk is easily a three man job, and truly a pain in the ass.

4) My Nut/Bolt Collection
The collection of spare nuts and bolts in my garage makes Home Depot look like a tool shed. Whenever I pop the hood of my car to do repair and maintenance work, many things break. Bolts fall apart in my hand, piping crumbles in half, wires melt, screws strip. With every job I do, at least one bolt breaks in half. This adds an element of fun to the job though as you must strategize every task as to destroy the fewest possible bolts, and to only destroy the ones you can actually get to.

5) Loud
My car has an American-made V8. The stock exhaust diameter and basic muffler still give it more growl than almost all new vehicles. Why is this important? People will know I’m there. I’ve had Honda Civics drive past me and the only indication it was actually running was the slight cloud exiting the pea-shooter exhaust. There have been times when I’ve walked through a parking lot and heard a faint crackle of sand or whir of a fan and turned to see a giant monstrosity of a car driven by someone born in the 1800′s who can’t distinguish between a human and a speed bump. Had I heard ANYTHING resembling the sound of a real car, I would have jumped my ass out of the way. With a loud vehicle, you’re sure to not have people not notice you and walk in front of you. Complete dumbasses are the obvious exception.

The following is a post made by a store owner frustrated with the bullshit spewing from the mouthes of these ass monkeys:

I represent a store located in the B.C. interior which has enjoyed a mutually beneficial relationship with Matt and Nat for over five years. Unfortunately we have recently been informed of Matt and Nat’s aspirations for a greater ‘exclusivity’ as has been outlined above (bags no longer available outside of high end retailers, major centres, etc.). My first misgivings with Matt and Nat came about in the early years as the growth of their popularity led to a marked decline in the quality of their products. Although the company never had an issue with crediting me for the endless broken straps, mangled zippers, and ‘terminal seam incidents’ that I endured, I became concerned with Matt and Nat’s policy of having me discard ALL of the defective products which I reported. It was then that I first began to question the validity of Matt and Nat’s claim to being a ‘different’ kind of company, especially when their professed environmental sensitivity seemed so out of step with their daily practices. The latest and final crisis has of course been the company’s decision that working with the Canadian retailers who established them is no longer in keeping with their desired image. Instead, I was informed by a senior representative at Matt and Nat that “movie stars are now carrying our bags!” I’m still baffled at how I’m to interpret this remark. Am I simply supposed to feel lucky that I knew about Matt and Nat bags before they were famous? When they were still just sententious hippie businessmen hustling for their hummus? In any event, I was about as impressed by this as I was by this person’s later comment that Matt and Nat still considered our relationship “important”. Huh? How does that work when you won’t sell me any bags? Am I supposed to send you guys fan mail? I am not interested in a relationship with a company that no longer my considers either my store or my customers worthy of doing business with.
In any event, we all know that companies exist to maximize profit. Most companies are forthright about this fact and have a corresponding indifference to environmental issues, craftsmanship and the smaller companies who depend on them. This is the ruthless world of business with which we are all on some level familiar. The sorry cycle takes a particularly nauseating turn however, when a company predicates their entire ethos on a pledge to conduct themselves in more elevated fashion, before revealing that pledge to have been nothing more than a crass marketing ploy. Sadly, I feel that Matt and Nat’s cynical manipulation of consumers is doomed to success. At what other time in the history of fashion has limiting availability and increasing prices failed to pique the interest of the ‘people of quality’ that Matt and Nat are now determined to pander to? The only hope of deflating these deluded marketing wizards is to continue to keep people informed of the truth behind Matt and Nat, that they are worse than simply pretentious, greedy, and shallow. They are monstrous hypocrites.

For more information, please visit the official “Fuck Matt & Nat” group on Facebook here.