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…so fuck you and your jokes. I recently purchased a 1996 Lincoln Town Car as a daily driver while I build my Honda CRX. Do I have a hip replacement? No. Do I walk with a cane? No. Do I hit the bingo hall after my afternoon nap? No. I drive a Lincoln because I want to drive in some style.

Power
Under the hood is a Ford 4.6 V8 with something like 230 horsepower. When you floor it, you get 4000lbs of awesomeness shooting down the highway with ass-in-your-seat acceleration. The RWD drivetrain really makes this beast feel like a jet. Don’t let the looks deceive you, this bitch will break that ass loose in the right conditions. When you blast past that cop on the side of the road after leaving a strip on the road, fear not as the awe and dismay will render all witnesses paralyzed with the exception of dropped jaws. Just be sure to change your underwear after.

Luxury
Even with the base cloth interior, you immediately feel as if your life is finally complete when you climb into the cockpit of your private jet on wheels. Standard is a fully digital dash telling you more about your travels than you ever wanted to ask. You want to see the remaining amount (in litres or gallons) of the gas tank, see your average fuel economy, see the estimated remaining distance you can travel based on fuel level, and take advantage of not one but TWO trip counters? FUCK YES this is all standard issue.

Reliability
My Lincoln has 359,000 kilometers on the clock. Am I worried? Hell no. I did some basic maintenance when I bought it and want to swap out a few sensors just to be on the safe side but she floats down the road no differently than when new. There are very few problem spots with these vehicles, one of which I personally encountered being the sunroof control switch and its tendency to break whenever used. I’m too awesome to pay $160 for a replacement so I hot-wired mine. Don’t get me wrong I’m fucking loaded with a wallet so fat it makes your mother-in-law look anorexic, I just don’t see the need in pissing money away when it’ll break again within a few weeks.

Thanks for reading and I hope those of you finding this article while doing research to help you decide on a Lincoln vehicle purchase will indeed decide to make the investment of a lifetime.