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Hello good people of the intarwebs! People sometimes ask me why I don’t get around to updating this blog more often. Well, nobody asks me but how big of a loser would I be if I were to admit that. Not that the number of people to e-mail me from a site clearly showcasing my own insanity can hold any merit to the judgment of my self worth, I would surely be tickled though from the level of care and compassion. OH SHIT I FORGOT THIS IS THE INTERNET. Nobody cares about me and I don’t care about any of you. To be frank, I would rather stare at LOLcats than talk to the kind of people who enjoy reading my ramblings. In fact, my recent addiction to Ally McBeal is causing a real negative impact on my ability to form thoughts. This is nothing compared to when I was in love with Miley Cyrus though.

I don’t work. I make my own daily schedule. Sometimes I’ll drive around town looking for people to mug at night. Sometimes I get involved in things I shouldn’t. I live off cigars and coffee. I hate change. The hustle never ends.

So, what do to when a web hosting company which is apparently tough on spam decides to spam you? Tough call. I received 9 copies of the following e-mail:

Return-Path:
Delivered-To: *REMOVED*@preterhuman.net
Received: (qmail 27836 invoked by uid 1008); 8 Jan 2010 04:13:03 -0800
Received: from thelookingglass.asmallorange.com (75.127.98.98)
by mirage.preterhuman.net with AES256-SHA encrypted SMTP; 8 Jan 2010 04:13:03 -0800
Received: from thelookingglass.asmallorange.com (localhost.localdomain [127.0.0.1])
by thelookingglass.asmallorange.com (8.13.8/8.13.8) with ESMTP id o08CLIaP028166
for <*REMOVED*@preterhuman.net>; Fri, 8 Jan 2010 07:21:18 -0500
Received: (from root@localhost)
by thelookingglass.asmallorange.com (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id o08CLIOP028165;
Fri, 8 Jan 2010 07:21:18 -0500
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 2010 07:21:18 -0500
Message-Id: <201001081221.o08CLIOP028165@thelookingglass.asmallorange.com>
To: *REMOVED*@preterhuman.net
Subject: Start your website today
From: A Small Orange
Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="PHP-alt-2c0cb3f0914b17644d97af011efcc3a4"

I won’t bother posting up the actual HTML content, but you can see above how the e-mail was sent by their systems with the subject “Start your website today.” I’ve never dealt with this company in any way… Really makes you wonder about the lengths people will go to for business.

Today was much like any other day for me in terms of the regular activities I take part in. Today was actually a good day when I woke up. Today was many things for me.

One of the first things on the agenda was laundry. Pretty fucking simple thing to do, right? Unfortunately my piece of shit water lines stop working in extreme cold temperatures. Now, the great thing is that this doesn’t happen to ALL of them. Fuck no, instead it only takes out my washing machine. I decided to let the piece of shit try running for a bit as I cranked up all the heaters to see if the miracle of running water would soon grace my washer, so I kicked back and fired up a movie. I store all my digital media on a network file server loaded with hard disks. Turns out every disk I own is slowly dying. I discovered this as my movie continuously paused and skipped in a very annoying manner, accompanied by noises that no hard disk should be making. For the record, I keep a gun on my desk and become very easily frustrated by stupid bullshit. In an effort to avoid shooting a hole in my LCD TV, I grabbed my laundry and went to my parents’ house. As I waited for the machine to finish, I figured I would enjoy some digital cable. As this was early afternoon on a weekday there were very few enjoyable programs for someone as awesome as myself, and so I selected the only worthwhile channel and prepared to relax. Five minutes later the picture disappears and the sound starts coming out garbled. This continued the entire duration of the wash cycle. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE FUCKING RAGE?

How is it we have come to depend so deeply on this fucking shit, but in this day and age technology is still seemingly plagued by pathetic quality? How hard is it to BUILD SHIT THAT FUCKING WORKS? I would continue my rant further but I just happened to notice how much memory Firefox is sucking down after being open for a week and I’m about to murder the next person I see.

While sifting through the 400+ e-mails which fill one of my poorly filtered accounts, I decided it would be completely non-depressing to poke fun at the erectile dysfunction spam. No seriously, I’m hung like a goddamn elephant. ANYWAY, check out some of the more memorable titles from my inbox.

Stop letting your love life stagnate
Don’t be flaccid at the critical moment
You need to take these pills to experience nirvana
Shoot a massive load
Be a stallion in bed
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, a pill a day keeps your pecker stronger and gay
Erase the memories of your bedtime failures
Catch rapturous girls’ looks on your zipper protuberance
Power pack your tool in your pants
She’ll swallow if you take this
Treat her tonight to rock hard pumping
Heat in your pants
Be a tank, not a minivan
Boost your bomber
Be proud of your tower in any public shower
Give your electrodes some voltage
Be the slit-attacker
Meat cigar instead of cigarette
Make your volcano erupt later!
Give your rod “stand-up” elixir

Can you say WOOT?

…so fuck you and your jokes. I recently purchased a 1996 Lincoln Town Car as a daily driver while I build my Honda CRX. Do I have a hip replacement? No. Do I walk with a cane? No. Do I hit the bingo hall after my afternoon nap? No. I drive a Lincoln because I want to drive in some style.

Power
Under the hood is a Ford 4.6 V8 with something like 230 horsepower. When you floor it, you get 4000lbs of awesomeness shooting down the highway with ass-in-your-seat acceleration. The RWD drivetrain really makes this beast feel like a jet. Don’t let the looks deceive you, this bitch will break that ass loose in the right conditions. When you blast past that cop on the side of the road after leaving a strip on the road, fear not as the awe and dismay will render all witnesses paralyzed with the exception of dropped jaws. Just be sure to change your underwear after.

Luxury
Even with the base cloth interior, you immediately feel as if your life is finally complete when you climb into the cockpit of your private jet on wheels. Standard is a fully digital dash telling you more about your travels than you ever wanted to ask. You want to see the remaining amount (in litres or gallons) of the gas tank, see your average fuel economy, see the estimated remaining distance you can travel based on fuel level, and take advantage of not one but TWO trip counters? FUCK YES this is all standard issue.

Reliability
My Lincoln has 359,000 kilometers on the clock. Am I worried? Hell no. I did some basic maintenance when I bought it and want to swap out a few sensors just to be on the safe side but she floats down the road no differently than when new. There are very few problem spots with these vehicles, one of which I personally encountered being the sunroof control switch and its tendency to break whenever used. I’m too awesome to pay $160 for a replacement so I hot-wired mine. Don’t get me wrong I’m fucking loaded with a wallet so fat it makes your mother-in-law look anorexic, I just don’t see the need in pissing money away when it’ll break again within a few weeks.

Thanks for reading and I hope those of you finding this article while doing research to help you decide on a Lincoln vehicle purchase will indeed decide to make the investment of a lifetime.

NO ITUNES FOR YOU.

iTunes is pretty neat. That is, until you try to use it. As the “proud” owner of an iPhone, I’m unfortunately forced into using this piece of shit. My hell all started right from installation.

iTunes fucked my computer.
So I wanted to update my iPhone firmware. Downloaded and installed iTunes, rebooted my computer, and watched as Windows no longer worked. Wasted an hour moving back to an older config and then wiping every trace of iTunes. Since I’m a masochist, I decided to try the installation again. This time it worked, and only broke my USB after I managed to finish the firmware update. Now I just use other people’s computers.

I wanted to buy some music. What a stupid idea.
Figured that I should actually support some recording artists, so I picked up an iTunes gift card and attempted to put it into my account. The first 10 attempts, the servers apparently timed out and gave me errors. Stopped to calm down, drank a few beers, and tried again. Now it tells me that my Canadian gift card cannot be added to a US account (long story), but that I could change this in the billing area. No problem, right? I entered the new address and gift card details. Everything seemed to go OK, and so I fired up iTunes on my phone and proceeded to download all of my favorite Hannah Montana tracks. Hahahaha. Yeah, it’s pretty funny how I thought it would actually work. Instead, an error message pops up saying that my account cannot be used in the US iTunes store. But hey, I’m a fucking genius right? I went back into the iTunes billing and put a US based address back in, except this time it refused to go further without a credit card number. I GUESS NOW I’M FUCKED.

So it seems I managed to accomplish nothing. My iTunes billing information is completely suck as it won’t do ANYTHING without a credit card. End result? My gift card is now useless, iTunes won’t see my phone anymore, and I still have no fucking music downloaded. THANKS APPLE FOR SUCKING YET ANOTHER DICK.

Dear idiots,

As you sit reading this, wearing your carefully chosen pseudo-anarchy inspired t-shirt, I want you to take a moment and look at the reality around you. You probably live in a college dorm room. You probably have a poster of Che Guevara on the wall. You probably have no fucking idea how law and order is keeping you alive.

“anarchy”
[an-er-kee] –noun
1. confusion; chaos; disorder
2. a terrible fucking idea

Whats up.

Let me tell you about your future in a lawless society of mass chaos. See this guy here? He’s going to walk up to you and shoot you in the face. He will take your keys and wallet, visit your house, remove anything of value, then burn the fucker down. Your valuables are sold or bartered for living necessities, and more importantly firearm ammunition. Yes, this is a picture of me. The risk of consequences is what prevents this from happening to you EVERY DAY. A society without rules is a society of self-preservation; a long and bloody hell wherein mortality is the only truth. It is where those of you who consider yourselves to be “hard as fuck” hiding behind your cliche tattoos and Kanye West CDs become prey for those of us with flexible morals and nothing to lose. Other than a .38 slug, the last thing to go through your head would probably be along the lines of “I guess I was fucking wrong.” Good call.

From a more realistic perspective, the police are a required peacekeeping force with little to no interest in disrupting the lives of ordinary people. There will always be criminals. There will always be the people hunting the criminals. People involved in organized crime do not go around yelling “fuck the police” and drawing attention to their whining. Petty criminals, typically those with lower than average intellect, are usually the ones who feel that the police force is committing some terrible injustice against their rights. People tend to harbor these anti-police feelings after realizing they will continuously be outsmarted and caught after every crime they commit. Even more disturbing are the hypocrite pieces of shit jumping into this trend for the sole purpose of being a cocksucker, all the while enjoying the freedoms provided by the law and order they are protesting. Think I’m just full of shit? Go to Zimbabwe. You will probably get shot in the face for your brand name flip flops.

So, you think none of the above relates to you? You still mutter “fucking pig” after getting a speeding ticket though, right? You still go around ranting about police brutality to the nearest bleeding heart liberal whenever the media publishes some bullshit sensationalist article about a police takedown? Yeah, buddy, you’re still a fucking idiot. Perhaps boredom has taken over your mediocre life and instead of thinking for yourself, you let these counter-culture hippie dipshits control your decisions and make you into just another pawn for their political activism. Keep this up and someday someone much larger than you will teach you a valuable life lesson, which you will undoubtedly reflect upon on the day of your release from the hospital.

Cry me a river.

Bill Ayers has apparently entered Canada a number of times. His most recent visit was cut short as Canadian border officials denied him entry into the country. Sure, it happens. By that I mean it happens to people who should not be let into this country.

But why on earth would we deny entry to this university professor?

BECAUSE HE USED TO FUCKING BLOW UP INNOCENT PEOPLE.

Yeah, I’d say Canada made the right call on this one. In case you don’t recognize the name, Bill Ayers was a co-founder of the “Weather Underground” organization which was a collection of crazy anti-Vietnam war assholes.

This is where it gets good. Bill here immediately cried to the bleeding hearts in the media about how it was a complete violation of his rights. He went so far as to claim that the recent spotlight cast upon him by Sarah Palin’s “terrorist” comments regarding his past affiliation with US President Obama was the reason we denied entry. He went on to claim that Canada has only denied his entry once before out of many visits, as if this somehow proves this grave injustice. Hmm ok, he may have a point here. We are now aware that Bill Ayers used to be a FUCKING TERRORIST. So, Bill, please shut the fuck up already. It is not your right to enter our country; however, it is our right to tell you to pack your fucking bags. Since your bags are probably already packed for your trip, you can go ahead and unpack them ONLY TO REPACK THEM WHEN WE SHOW YOUR ASS THE DOOR.

I almost feel sorry for him, having three of his friends blown up by the nail bomb they were creating. Almost.

After a downtime of near 8 months, the great preterhuman.net is back online and ready to rock. The server has been recently moved to the Rackster datacenter in Kelowna, BC. Available bandwidth is a very decent 10mbit, perfect for all those asshole bots leeching the shit so fast that my access.log looks like one big blurred white block as it scrolls up the screen.

www.preterhuman.net

David Messina is a fucking loser

Look at this piece of shit.

His name is David Messina and his game is renting other people’s property to foreign students without paying the owners of the property. He crams at least 4-5 people into each apartment and keeps all the money for himself while the property owners struggle to deal with the stupid bullshit known as the Residential Tenancy Act. As if that wasn’t bad enough, this fucktard seems to think he has every right to do this.

‘Why would I pay her? She’s tried to kick me out. I never started this.’

‘She brought this all upon herself … by renting to me.’

Oh boy. You know, I used to have this nice aluminum baseball bat that could deliver quite the punch while still being light enough to allow for a fast swing. I named it “The Dentist” for its ability to perform tooth removal. Much like being curb stomped, the pain from breaking the teeth and ripping out the roots would probably put you into shock. This, of course, depends entirely on whether or not the jaw bone is thrust upward toward the brain causing severe injury or death. Such a situation could occur should the hit make contact on or around the chin area instead of the mouth. I hear the kneecaps are fun too.